The Art You See is NOT What's Going on in my Head

Inspired Creativity. Where does it come from and how does it influence the art I create? I usually don't become philosophical when creating, it's either an escape from the daily hustle and bustle, a place to center my crazy mind, or I have a new project or supply that I must absolutely try before I forget that I wanted to. I have had a lot of "grown up" moments recently and I needed to get some of that out of my head into my art. My first instinct was to grab some mixed media paper and the neo-color II's to start a background. The neo-color II set I grabbed includes exactly 10 colors. They are all bright and vibrant and really saturated. Know that I will show you now what my first creation was in the process of just making some art. I think I was just going to make it a background but then my overthinking got in the way. 

I truly love using the water soluble crayons because when they are wet they produce bright bursts of color that blend like magic. I intended fro this to be a background but this is as far as I got. And here's why. I looked at this and I think of all of the art I create. I am so emotionally charged with negativity and I create this. It does not reflect how I feel but people will generally look at it and think "oh, wow! That's awesome." 

Um no. No it's not. It's making a really bright fun background, but it's not processing my feelings which is why I entered my art room on this particular occasion. It was to process art, not make something pretty. 

I had to stop myself from going any further and I grabbed a 2nd piece of the watercolor mixed media paper. I believe it's a CANSON pad but it's not relative to this whole thing. 

I had to look further into my mind and look past the bright colors because they are a learned response. Grab some colors and throw them on a page.  Once my mind was cleared from the pretty masking the way I was really feeling I wanted to create, I grabbed a black crayola marker because quality doesn't matter in process. It's water based so it can add for some interesting muddy color. I then chose a black crayola colored pencil so that the words would be permanent underneath. I needed the scribbled mad fury to be texture under this picture that I had in my brain. I pushed hard and that lead didn't last the whole page but I turned the pencil and only pushed harder. Red colored pencil has marks and stabs of lead, then purple paint, dark, but splatted down flat, the bristles splayed to hit direct contact on the paper, smacks of color. I added orange because it's a fiery color and some magentas and of course red. Red jagged smear marks, nothing smooth only rigid harsh lines partially blended or smeared to confuse themselves with everything else on the page. Nothing stands alone but becomes one big mass of chaotic line and color. That is what is in my brain. That is what I want to say. Bold colors, but not made pretty, made to feel. Small spots of blue with water to drip them down the page and blur all of the lines in its path. That is what I wanted on my paper. 

And finally, I didn't want to waste the paint I had left on my water container lid. I smeared it out onto a paper and watered it down, only 3 colors of red orange and purples. Dipping my brush in water not cleaning it exactly, but allowing water to soak into it and blend on the page. Heavy body acrylic color  watered down with well, water. Dried and the repetitious small circular designs throughout where white wanted to be seen. Is it a background? Is it a stand alone piece? I'm not sure what it is but it was a good resting place for the night. Until my mind has a specific project to start and finish I continue in this style to create. Not what looks pretty on paper, but what's going on in my head. That is the art I want to create.